This is difficult for me to share.... I am not proud of myself... It's hard to admit...
When Nicholas was little he often had questions of Russia, of the orphanage, of where's all the snow? He remembered the orphanage and had night terrors often. It seemed to haunt him for the first few years. I would tell him his life story and we would talk...." when you were little you lived in the orphanage with other children in Russia. Mommy and Daddy were very sad because we didn't know where you were. So we prayed that Jesus would watch over you and keep you safe and lead us to you. Mommy used to cry all the time because you weren't here with us. One day Jesus led us to you and now we will always be together.... forever..." He would tell me that he cried too because he didn't know where we were and he was very sad.
I knew the questions would one day become more difficult. A few months ago he asked me, "Mommy, you know how babies are born from their Mommy's tummies? I wasn't born from your tummy, I was born in Russia. Where did I come from?" I told him how he was born from his birth Mother's tummy in Russia. "Do I have a family in Russia?" I told him he did and that they love him very much but where he was born the people are very poor and they didn't have enough money to buy food and they didn't want him to starve and die so they took him to the orphanage so he could eat and so that Mommy and Daddy could find him. He thought about it for a while. I could tell he needed time to process this new information. He is a very sensitive little guy with a huge heart. A few weeks later he told me that I was his favorite Mom in the whole world. I said, "But, I am your only Mom." "No, Mommy, I have a birth Mom in Russia."
Tonight he asked me about her again. Why is it hard for me? I feel so selfish. I love her, I think of her, I pray for her, I hurt for her and I will forever be thankful to and for her.... and yet, I am ashamed to admit that when he wants to talk about her I find I am jealous of her. My heart cries out "NO! You are mine!" as I gently answer his questions to the best of my knowledge. My heart hurts for him as I know as he gets older the questions in his mind will become more difficult... perhaps the answers more painful. Of coarse my mind attacks me.... He doesn't want you anymore.... you're not enough for him.... you are grumpy and you yell... I know these are lies... (except for the grumpy part) It's hard for me to share my son's heart with another. He couldn't be more mine if I had given birth to him. How selfish of me! He is here with me and all she has is a memory of our child. His heart has questions and feels torn. How can I think of myself?
When I was about 8 my Mom took me for a drive and told me my Dad wasn't my "REAL" Dad. That I had a biological father.... I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said, "Mom, we can't tell Dad it would break his heart." When I was 18 she told me more of this man. When I was just a baby , he went to the store for milk and ice cream and he never came back. He called her two weeks later and told her he was in Asia with his brother opal hunting. She was only 17 and he had moved her across the country from her family and she was all alone with a baby. I was angry for my Mom. How could he have done this to her? I felt so bad for her. But for me... it didn't matter because he was just some man in MO he wasn't my REAL Dad... my Dad is my REAL Dad even if we haven't always gotten along. Long story..... I contacted him because I needed money, (long story)he didn't have any to help me. He was nice, I have 3 half sisters who all knew about me. They were sweet little girls. We talked on the phone a couple of times and exchanged 2 or 3 letters. The last letter I sent him in one part of it I called him Dad instead of Phil. After I mailed it I felt sick... he wasn't my Dad. I felt like I had betrayed my Mom, and myself. I never talked to him again. I always felt guilty for this. I felt bad for his 3 daughters but I just never felt a bond with any of them. One day my cousin brought to my attention that I shouldn't feel bad. I mailed him that letter and yes, I never contacted him again but I also never heard from him again either. This hit hard. Even though I didn't love him... he was just some man in MO . This time I felt like he had abandoned me. For the first time I felt anger and hurt for myself regarding my biological father. I didn't want a relationship with him but I think it hurt when I realized he didn't want one with me either. Years later my Uncle told me that Phil had died. I felt bad for his family and his daughters but to me.... he was just some man who lived in MO. ( I don't mean this to come across as cold.... I don't mean it that way. It's just that I didn't feel a bond with him... he wasn't my Dad) Maybe this is why it is so hard for me with Nicholas... I don't understand his desire to know about his birth family. My mind understands ,but my heart doesn't. (Does any of this make any since?)
I told Nicholas that when he was a baby he became very ill. They took him to the hospital so he could get better. But when he got better he went to live at the orphanage so he would have food to eat. He asked me what his birth mom looks like. I told him I didn't know. That I have never seen her picture. ( Tomorrow I will tell him she must be very beautiful... when I look at him I see a part of her... yes, she must be very beautiful) He said he doesn't remember them., ( his birth family) but he misses them. I suspect it must be his heart longing to reach out and touch them. They will forever be a part of him. I told him that I pray for her often. He asked surprised, "You do?" I told him yes, it seemed to mean a lot to him. He said he wished that they could all live here with us. Then we could all be together. Or we could move to Russia. That he misses the snow. I know he worries about them. Wonders if they are OK, if they have enough food to eat. I was able to share with him that her name is Oksana. (such a beautiful name.... it felt good to be able to share her name with him. I can't help but be haunted by the fact that I will not be able to share this information with my daughter... I have so little to share with her about her birth family.) I told him the name she had given him at birth. (Another piece of the puzzle.) I didn't feel it was time to share with him that he has siblings in Russia. I don't think he is ready for that, but one day.... that is the last thing I have to share with him about his birth, his birth family, his life before us.... it makes me sad for him...
Perhaps my heart is crying out because I can't make all of his hurt go away.... I can't make every thing OK.... He just kept telling me that he feels sad... that he misses them.... I hurt for him and I hurt for Hannah for I know that one day she too must make this journey of heart and soul... and once again I won't be able to make every thing OK. Once again I will have to battle the demon of jealousy that tries to rear it self up in me... Once again I will have to try to make my child understand how truly special and miraculous they are... No, they are not like the other children they know.... they are special, they are chosen, they are miracles, they are mine....
"Ya loo blu tib ya, Meeshka"
32 comments:
oh, I don't know what to say... I want to comfort you and your Meeshka from hurt, from pain...
I think you are an absolute wonderful mother.
hugs my friend...
Daleea - I sobbed when I read your post. I just wanted to hug you - to thank you for stating what all of us feel at some point - we have not even faced this yet, but I am preparing for it. I feel my back go up when people ask, "She yours?"
I feel that jealousy, if that is what it is.
I spent a while praying for you after I read this and I just want to say, I am thankful for you. You are a most magnificent Mama.
Heather
One thing that I am trying to keep in mind as I take the adoption journey is that, Yes, we are choosing our children,and it is hard to accept but they did not have a choice in the matter. It is natural for them to wonder about the big picture but that does not detract from you as his mother. He will recognize when he is older, the choices that brought him to you. Another thing I think about is that we do not have to limit the term "family" to only those we were born into, if you could get comfortable with the thought, you could consider his family part of your own extended family. Even if he wants to meet them when he is older, you will always be his mom. He will truly respect you when he has children of his own and realizes the sacrifies you made willingly to become his mom.
This is a conversation that worries me and we don't even have our daughter yet. I appreciate you telling your story. I have wondered if I will feel a little jealousy at times. It is good to know that it is normal. I was feeling guilty about it.
I am amazed how much you know of Nicholas' past. It is something, and I think that is good.
Hugs to you, Nicholas and Hannah.
I think every mother feels that her child will think the grass is greener on the other side. All we can do is be honest with them and love them from our hearts.
You are doing a great job telling him his story.
Wow, how amazing. I have a son with a very tender heart, and I could see how something like that would affect him more so than my other boys. Maybe that is why you reacted differently to your situation. You seem to have handled it with such love and grace. You are exactly the mother he needs and who God planned for him to have from the beginning of time. Thanks for sharing this with us, we don't always get to see the "other" side of adoption.
I love your honesty and candor in this post-and your feelings are completely natural, I hope you will be able to move away from "shame" and just recognize your humanity. You're such an amazing mom.
Thank you all for your kind words, concerns and understanding. I almost erased this post because I was ashamed of myself. I am glad I left it. Your words of encouragement have meant alot.
Thank you friends,
Daleea
Wow... Just breaks my heart. Both for you and M. If you want snow, come visit me!!! We gets tons of it each winter. Big hugs to you and M.
Your post was honestly beautiful! I belive your post is real and what so many believe. I know Mia will someday assk the same questions and I will be able to remember back to this post and how you dealt with it. Your little ones are so loved and they so obviously love you and although the questions will come up and they already have, you are the star in their lives and they clearly love you dearly.
YOu are a great momma and thanks for sharing this.
Christy :)
You made me cry! I think you are a wonderful mother.
Hugs,
Gracie
My dear friend, your fears and feelings are because you are his mother. Protective and loving him in a way that is undefinable, it is an instinct in your soul. Do not feel guilty, those feelings could only come from the soul of his mother. And that my dear friend is you.
I too worry and am afraid of what will happen when my daughter asks me those questions. I don't want to admit there is another Mom. I will have to and I will look to you for comfort.
(((HUGS)))
I felt your love for your "Meeshka" in every sentence.
Your honesty showed such strength and love.
Pat yourself on the back, what a special lady you are.
Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of yourself and family.
i think you are handling it amazingly and you should not be ashamed of your feelings .. they are very natural ...i guess i think when i explain to my children one day about adoption i will share with them how it was always God's plan for them to be apart of our family ... that their situation at birth was not a surprise to Him and that we will always pray for their birth families and love them ... definitely not a talk i am looking forward to ... i think you are a loving and caring mother and your transparent heart makes you all the more special and the perfect mother to your two jewels !!!!
Daleea, I sat and read your posts with tears streaming down my face. I never knew. I haven't had the difficult questions yet. I don't know how I'll feel. I can't imagine. I hope my girls always and I mean always know that they are the most important loved little human beings in my life. I love them so. They are more than I ever thought possible.
Daleea, don't ever hide your feelings...
I am afraid my Chinese children will feel I have "taken" them from their birth families, that they were loved and wanted and I snatched them away... but I am sure they WERE loved and wanted. There is just so much there for little minds to wrap around. It's not fair, but I am so glad they are in my life -- and so sorry I do not have *any* information on their birth families. Just their "finding" spots and some grainy baby photos.
This is tough stuff, you are doing a great job, and the fact that he knows he can come to you with his question is the bigger deal -- he trusts you 100 percent. That's a "real" mom!
Dear Sweet Friend,
As one who is adopted, I found tears rolling down my check as I read this. There are times in the teen years when I "romanticized" that other "family," but the reality is my M and Daddy were who the were, and I came to terms that the other family just didn't exist in reality as it did in my mind. I did get to develop a relationship with my bio-father and in all honesty, it has forever complicated who I am. I wonder how I will talk to the Princess someday and I think that I have a plan, although we all know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men....
You are not selfish nor are you alone. Masking the hurt and pain now only means that you will have to deal with it tomorrow. I think that acknowledging that this is difficult is 1/2 of the battle. You are very wise. I guess that my heart says that you, and you alone are the one and only momma that Nicholas will ever have and he is so very luck that of all the mommies in the world, God picked him for you! I know that Nicholas is in a different situation from Hannah and make this so much more complicated. Please call me if you need a shoulder to cry on, I am here. I will keep you two in my prayers as you work through this. We love you guys!
Ladybug hugs,
;D
It's a lot to work through and I know I will share some of these feelings one day.
I am thinking of you.
It's such tough stuff (for our sweet children AND for us)...
we just do the best we can. And remember you are never alone in this - you have all of us!
I think you're doing a fabulous job!
Daleea,
First my sweet friends a (((hug))). Then a thank you for sharing your feelings and Meeshka's too. They will help many.
The counsleor in me knows that your pain about this is no doubt from your own experience as well.
It sounds like you are handling his questions and longing perfectly. I think you might find that in the end...you heal each other:)
Love and prayers,
Kim
I wish I had the right words for such an honest post. Thank you for sharing the more difficult side of being a mommy!
Ok....I am sobbing....you are such an incredible Mother and your little meeshka knows that. You will get him through these times....he is yours and you are his. Your love for each will get you through it all! ;)
That was beautifully written, I have tears in my eyes.
I know one day I will go through the same thing with Zoe.
This post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your family's story.
~Dawn
Thank you for sharing something personal. I loved your post and wondered how I to would feel talking about such deep issues when my daughter is older, your feelings are completey natural. The questions will get more intense and you handled that admirably. I'm very impressed and will tuck this post away in my heart for the day I need to reflect upon a wonderful way to handle the difficult questions that will surely come my way.
Hugs to you.
Wow. You floored me with this one. I honestly haven't given much thought to what Sophia might (probably will) go through someday. Things are easy now. God called us to China to adopt, He had a plan, Sophia knows that. I figured that would get us through a long time, but you made me realize I need to be thinking ahead.
((((hugs))))
Hello! We are the parents of 2 adult children & 2 at-home children & waiting to travel to get our daughter from China. I am an experienced mother, but this situation is one that I worry about. Thank you so much for your honesty and willingness to share. God is using you to help others cope and handle these questions with our precious children. You handled it beautifully. I, too, will file this post away in my memory.
This is a beautiful post... thank you for being so honest about a situation that all of us adoptive parents are going to have to face.
You're such a GREAT mommy and certainly everything you feel is "normal". I'm sure those feelings come from your immeasurable love and protection for your children, which is a good thing.
I'm glad you didn't erase this post and were strong and honest enough to share it with all of us.
You seemed to have handled it with much love and truth, good job Mommy. :)
Thank you for sharing this. You have an incredible heart, and I can only learn from your conversations with your son. I often get very sad when I think about that day when Hannah realizes she has a birth mom ...
Incredible post! What a testament to your son and his tenderness, his familyon the other side of the world, and to you as a mother. Just beautiful!
Beth
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