My Meeshka went to camp for almost two weeks at Tybee Island. It was so hard for me to let him go but I knew last summer he was ready so I let my baby bird fly.... This was his second time at camp. Last summer when we picked him up he was very quiet, reserved, mellow. Just not himself. I was very concerned and fished around with leading questions to make certain that he was ok. I finally came to the conclusion that it was due to the fact that he knew we were going to find his little dog Chisum a new home while he was gone because he was getting too aggressive wth Peep. Well, on Friday we went to pick him up and he acted the same way. Once again I was concerned but after asking many questions I don't think anything "bad" happened to him. He did say that he missed us and had wanted to come home. He also said he got bored some of the time. While he was telling me about camp he asked if I knew that the camp building used to be an orphanage. I told him that I had no idea that it was an orphanage before it became a camp. I said that I was glad it was a happy place now.
While talking with my friend she suggested perhaps he had some abandonment issues stirred up that he didn't realize he had. Then when I told Jeremy that the building was once an orphanage he brought up the point that it could have upset Nicholas knowing he was in an orphanage. HOW DID I MISS THAT?!!!!
Me, the over sensitive Mom that is always so aware of what my children might be going through. It completely escaped me! Shame on me....
So, on the way home from church today I decided to talk a little with him about it. (he is acting more like himself but still quite mellow and quiet for my outgoing, giggly, goofy kid.) I started talking to him about camp and then proceeded to ask him how he found out that the building used to be an orphanage? He told me there was a big sign on the building that said it was an orphanage. I asked him if he talked with anyone about it. He said, No. I asked him if it upset him knowing he was in a building that at one time was an orphanage? He said, Not really. Then he asked me if I was upset that he was in an orphanage. I told him that I hadn't been because I didn't know it used to be and he was just at camp.
Then he asked the question that I had hoped would never cross his sweet little mind... but in my heart I knew that it was inevitable....
"Mom, did my birth Mom not want me, because she put me in an orphanage."
My heart broke for my precious son. The child that I did not carry in my womb but that I had longed for, cried out for, prayed for, begged God for since I was young. The child that is MY CHILD. My son.... Nothing could make him more mine. Nothing could make me love him more or love him less. Not if I had carried him in my womb for 10 months and given birth to him. I had carried him in my heart, mind, and soul for much longer than that. But, the cold, hard truth is that I cannot protect him from these questions, feelings that arise. I pray that for the rest of our lives he will be able to understand just how much I love him.... although I believe that is impossible for him to know.
So...... I told him what I believe in my heart of hearts to be true. I told him that his birth Mother loves him very much. That yes, she wanted him. But that he was born in a place in Siberia that was very poor. There is very little work there and people have very little money. I told him that even if they have money to buy food that food is not always readily available. That Russia is a country whose government is very pro abortion. Yet his birth mom loves him so much that she gave birth to him. That she loves him so much but they didn't have enough food to feed him and she didn't want him to starve to death, to die. I also told him that when he was a baby that he got very sick and they didn't have the money to get him the help he needed to be well. So they took him to the orphanage to live so that he could have doctors, medicine and food and live. So that Jesus could lead us to him and that he could be united with his forever family.
There are a few more details that I will share with him when I feel he is ready. But this is what I shared with him for now. Some of it is speculation.... yet it is what I believe in my heart to be true.... A mother knows....
I told him that I pray often for his birth mother. That I pray Jesus will comfort her and help her to know that he is safe, healthy, well provided for, nurtured, happy and loved... oh, how he is loved. I pray God has and will answer my prayers.
Then I asked him if he knew that I was adopted by his Grandpa? He didn't know that so I was able to share part of my story with him. I referred to my biological father as my birth father only for my son's sake. I do not think of him in these terms. I don't really consider him to be my father in anyway. (But that is another story.) Then I shared with him about Hannah's birth mom and the laws in China. I shared with him about other children and adults in our church that were adopted. I shared with him that his other Grandpa is not his Dad's birth father. This all seemed to intrigue him. I shared with him to help him understand that he is not alone. He is not the only one and that so many of us have been adopted. I also shared with him that I didn't know why God chose for him to be born to another mom and not to me.... I only know that before God created him, before God created me... He knew that Nicholas belonged to me. That I am his Mom. That I just thank God for answering my prayers and bringing my baby home to me.
Then I was able to share with him that God adopts us into His family as His children when we are born again. When we ask Jesus into our hearts as our Lord and Savior then God the Father adopts us as His children. What comfort and peace there is in knowing this.
So, I will lift my child up in prayer... that he will have understanding, comfort, and peace. I pray he knows he can always come to me with anything. We are both learning and growing. And I have to say that the last time when a difficult question came up. When he asked about his birth mom the first time. I was so sad for him and for her but I still fought feelings of hurt and jealousy over his feelings for her. (this is something I am ashamed of, not proud of... I am just sharing the truth. I felt horrible feeling this way. So selfish. But he is MY child and I didn't want to share him with another. But in my heart I knew it was wrong.... I have him in my arms, she only has her memories of holding him in her arms.) This time those feelings did not stir up. This time it was all about my son.... how I could help him to understand and those wounds to heal. And when I truly think about it..... I know my son. I know his loving heart... and it is big enough to love both of us... his Mom and his Birth Mom.
Thank You Jesus for the gift of our son....
While talking with my friend she suggested perhaps he had some abandonment issues stirred up that he didn't realize he had. Then when I told Jeremy that the building was once an orphanage he brought up the point that it could have upset Nicholas knowing he was in an orphanage. HOW DID I MISS THAT?!!!!
Me, the over sensitive Mom that is always so aware of what my children might be going through. It completely escaped me! Shame on me....
So, on the way home from church today I decided to talk a little with him about it. (he is acting more like himself but still quite mellow and quiet for my outgoing, giggly, goofy kid.) I started talking to him about camp and then proceeded to ask him how he found out that the building used to be an orphanage? He told me there was a big sign on the building that said it was an orphanage. I asked him if he talked with anyone about it. He said, No. I asked him if it upset him knowing he was in a building that at one time was an orphanage? He said, Not really. Then he asked me if I was upset that he was in an orphanage. I told him that I hadn't been because I didn't know it used to be and he was just at camp.
Then he asked the question that I had hoped would never cross his sweet little mind... but in my heart I knew that it was inevitable....
"Mom, did my birth Mom not want me, because she put me in an orphanage."
My heart broke for my precious son. The child that I did not carry in my womb but that I had longed for, cried out for, prayed for, begged God for since I was young. The child that is MY CHILD. My son.... Nothing could make him more mine. Nothing could make me love him more or love him less. Not if I had carried him in my womb for 10 months and given birth to him. I had carried him in my heart, mind, and soul for much longer than that. But, the cold, hard truth is that I cannot protect him from these questions, feelings that arise. I pray that for the rest of our lives he will be able to understand just how much I love him.... although I believe that is impossible for him to know.
So...... I told him what I believe in my heart of hearts to be true. I told him that his birth Mother loves him very much. That yes, she wanted him. But that he was born in a place in Siberia that was very poor. There is very little work there and people have very little money. I told him that even if they have money to buy food that food is not always readily available. That Russia is a country whose government is very pro abortion. Yet his birth mom loves him so much that she gave birth to him. That she loves him so much but they didn't have enough food to feed him and she didn't want him to starve to death, to die. I also told him that when he was a baby that he got very sick and they didn't have the money to get him the help he needed to be well. So they took him to the orphanage to live so that he could have doctors, medicine and food and live. So that Jesus could lead us to him and that he could be united with his forever family.
There are a few more details that I will share with him when I feel he is ready. But this is what I shared with him for now. Some of it is speculation.... yet it is what I believe in my heart to be true.... A mother knows....
I told him that I pray often for his birth mother. That I pray Jesus will comfort her and help her to know that he is safe, healthy, well provided for, nurtured, happy and loved... oh, how he is loved. I pray God has and will answer my prayers.
Then I asked him if he knew that I was adopted by his Grandpa? He didn't know that so I was able to share part of my story with him. I referred to my biological father as my birth father only for my son's sake. I do not think of him in these terms. I don't really consider him to be my father in anyway. (But that is another story.) Then I shared with him about Hannah's birth mom and the laws in China. I shared with him about other children and adults in our church that were adopted. I shared with him that his other Grandpa is not his Dad's birth father. This all seemed to intrigue him. I shared with him to help him understand that he is not alone. He is not the only one and that so many of us have been adopted. I also shared with him that I didn't know why God chose for him to be born to another mom and not to me.... I only know that before God created him, before God created me... He knew that Nicholas belonged to me. That I am his Mom. That I just thank God for answering my prayers and bringing my baby home to me.
Then I was able to share with him that God adopts us into His family as His children when we are born again. When we ask Jesus into our hearts as our Lord and Savior then God the Father adopts us as His children. What comfort and peace there is in knowing this.
So, I will lift my child up in prayer... that he will have understanding, comfort, and peace. I pray he knows he can always come to me with anything. We are both learning and growing. And I have to say that the last time when a difficult question came up. When he asked about his birth mom the first time. I was so sad for him and for her but I still fought feelings of hurt and jealousy over his feelings for her. (this is something I am ashamed of, not proud of... I am just sharing the truth. I felt horrible feeling this way. So selfish. But he is MY child and I didn't want to share him with another. But in my heart I knew it was wrong.... I have him in my arms, she only has her memories of holding him in her arms.) This time those feelings did not stir up. This time it was all about my son.... how I could help him to understand and those wounds to heal. And when I truly think about it..... I know my son. I know his loving heart... and it is big enough to love both of us... his Mom and his Birth Mom.
Thank You Jesus for the gift of our son....
16 comments:
give your Meeshka a super big hug from me...
I am saying a prayer for him today.
What a beautiful, beautiful post and what a sensitive loving answer you gave your son. I hope Ic an do the same when my daughter asks me that question one day.
God Bless
Love Jules
xxx
Those words sound perfect. You lifted him up when he thought he should be feeling down, you spoke well of his birth mom. I'm sure that was not easy at all to hear and to go through, but it was handled beautifully. I hope I remember that when it's my turn to have this conversation.
Bless his little heart (and yours, too!)
Daleea first I want to tell you that this post raw so raw, honest, heart wrenching, heart warming and full of Love and beautifully spoken. Second I want to tell you that I have been exactly where you are, EXACTLY!!! And for those jealous feelings, oh how I have been there. Astrud is 16 and there are still things that we are not sharing with her until she is older, I handled it the same way you did, almost exactly the same words were spoken to her that you spoke to your precious son. I feel so connected to you, I to have never given birth but they are OUR children. The love is so intense it hurts sometimes and I know that you understand what I am talking about. You are an incredible mother that is raising an incredible son, and with God all will be just fine. I know we have never met in perosn but I just love you so much and am blessed by your friendship.
Love and blessings, Kristy
Daleea first I want to tell you that this post raw so raw, honest, heart wrenching, heart warming and full of Love and beautifully spoken. Second I want to tell you that I have been exactly where you are, EXACTLY!!! And for those jealous feelings, oh how I have been there. Astrud is 16 and there are still things that we are not sharing with her until she is older, I handled it the same way you did, almost exactly the same words were spoken to her that you spoke to your precious son. I feel so connected to you, I to have never given birth but they are OUR children. The love is so intense it hurts sometimes and I know that you understand what I am talking about. You are an incredible mother that is raising an incredible son, and with God all will be just fine. I know we have never met in perosn but I just love you so much and am blessed by your friendship.
Love and blessings, Kristy
Oh my dear sweet friend....I am so sorry! Hugs to Nicholas!! I can't imagine how he must have felt to be staying in an orphanage...in his mind. Tears are flowing down my face as I think about how he felt for two long weeks...the questions that must have run thru his heart. I am so proud of you for following your motherly intuition until he opened up to you. I'm so thankful he has a mother that cares enough to listen and offer such loving words.
I remember going thru this with Mikayla. Its just so hard to know what to say. We love them so much as our own...but know there is a void in their little hearts because they were born to another.
I will pray for your baby boy!
Love you!
Robin
Daleea
This is such a beautiful post, to give your son the gift of love for where & who he comes from is something we as adopters have to be able to do and you do it beautifully!
I can only imagine that seeing that sign would bring up such incredible feelings especially when away from home, so glad that you were able to do some building of connections for him and open the door for further conversations.
(((hugs)))
Oh my sweet friend you did a wonderful job with this....I would have missed it also so don't beat yourself up please.
You did an amazing job and now he has even more of a bond with you because you were both adopted. I am so thankful you kept probing. I love you.
Oh, my sweet friend. Your precious boy is so very blessed to call you his Mom. I think it's only human nature to ask, and you did an amazing job answering.
Thank you for sharing and for giving us some insight into Nicholas' beautiful heart.
That was such a wonderful and sensitive posting. Your words were spoken with such compassion and truth!! You son and my daughter's story may be similar in some ways, she too is from Siberia. Just yesterday we talked about the fact that her birth mom chose to give birth and not abort. I'm sure there will be many more conversations ahead for you and be confident, you did a really good job. :) Blessings to you!!
Wow you said all the right things, I have often wondered what I would say to my girls when they asked that. God supplied the words for you adn I now He will do the same for me. I am sure it helps your little man, knowing you were adopted too, another bond for you all. God is great how HE knots families together!!
God bless!
Debbie
Thank you so much for your kind words of support regarding our travel delays! The outpouring of support has truly touched our hearts and helps carry us through. God does provide, and we believe He will unite us with our daughter....we just have to trust in His timing.
Love your blog. Btw....your children are beautiful and you're a very talented photographer. What a touching response you gave your son....the fact that he has a heart that has plenty of room to love you both speaks volumes!!!
God bless~
Tami
Oh Sweetie, I'm so sorry that these hurts have to be a part of our children's lives. I just pray that God will be glorified as you tell him about our adoption into God's family.
Terrye in FL
Wow...the emotions are flowing over here after reading this beautiful post.
I have had very similar feelings toward my son's birth mother and have said those same words to myself...that he is with me, in my arms and to him...I am his mother and he is MY son. He knows most of the truth (I saved the saddest parts for when he is older) and he knows what both his and my true biological connection is to his birth mother. He can floor me some days with the spontaneous questions he comes up with. I have found that direct, honest, loving responses work for him and he can immediately move on once he has his answer (until the next time) unlike me who seems to relive his questions and my responses and dissect and second guess them.
Your baby is YOUR baby, no question...I know exactly what you mean about not carrying him but having him be in your heart all your life, even before her came to be.
Your beautiful explanation and your ability to weave the familial connection to adoption that is shared by those that he loves will be something that I can only imagine only strengthens the bond that all of you already have.
Hugs to you and kudos for facing his inquiries with such tenderness.
Daleea, I cannot believe that it was camp time ALREADY!!! I feel like he just got back from camp last year! What a precious post and oh so true to the spirit of our children and the things they carry in their heart. I t reminds of my dear friend who often reminds us of the verse in the Bible (can't remember it verbatim) to hide His word in our hearts, if we could remove the wounds and just teach our children to simply hid His word in our hearts...oh that it would be that easy!
Thank you for sharing. I love knowing more about you and feel so blessed when you share the deepest innermost pieces of your own childhodd, I am always blessed by that.
Have a great week.
Love,
Heather
Beautifully said/written.
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