My Heart...

Thursday I will be 42 years old.... where did the years go? I am feeling a little melancholy, not certain why... I think it is the extra pounds and the fine lines that aren't as fine as they used to be. But then I think back over all of my other birthdays and I say, "Thank You Jesus" For I am oh, so blessed.... I am right where I want to be... my heart's desire since I was a small girl has come to fruition... I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and I have been blessed with the two most amazing, beautiful, precious children in the world... My arms have ached to hold them for all of my life and now they are both here... they are home... and I am complete. I think of each birthday that passed with out my babies and the depth of sorrow that I experienced cannot be expressed by mere words... The many times I was angry at me, at my body for not being "normal"... the times I was angry at my husband for not being "ready" to adopt.... the times I was angry at my God for not "answering" my prayer from the time I was young..... the times when I grieved over not having my biological children and the time I grieved over not having my adopted children... I always wanted to have both. The times when I would almost panic thinking,"what if I do get pregnant and then my husband doesn't want to adopt and we leave our children out there, somewhere in the world, abandoned..."
But God is on the throne.... He hears my prayers, His plans for me are so much greater than anything I could have ever imagined for myself. He used my desire for my children to teach me things that He would not have been able to teach me any other way... Years ago, when I hit bottom and thought I would never hold my babies in my arms... completely broken and almost with out hope He whispered to my heart.... "The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want..." I know Lord, I know.... You will give me everything that I truly need! Well, I am telling You that I truly Need children! "The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want...." He whispered this to me for 3 days..... Three of the darkest days of my life, I was drowning in a sea of despair and thought I would surely die of a broken heart.... then I finally got it..... "The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want..." It isn't that Jesus will give me everything that I Need... It is that He IS ALL I TRULY NEED! He is my God, my Lord, my Savior, my friend.... No matter what happens in this life or doesn't happen, it is ok because I have Jesus, and He has me.... He has me in His loving arms, He has me in his heart, He has me in His plans... and oh, what amazing, merciful, beautiful, loving plans they are. He is able.... He is faithful.... Nothing is impossible with God and His timing is perfect.... As I was going through that time of despair it was after my husband had decided to wait on adopting for various reasons. Now I know it was because my precious son and daughter had not been born yet. Thank You Jesus for loving me enough to not give into my broken heart... For giving me Your strength and grace to get through each day, each month, each year, each birthday until Your perfect timing, Your perfect plan for my life, until it could come to pass.... You led us around the world to Russia and to China to find the Jewels of My Heart... I was 37 the first time I held my beautiful son Nicholas in my arms and 41 the first time I held my beautiful daughter Hannah in my arms. They were oh, so worth the wait but I am so thankful the wait is over and they are home safely in their Mama's arms... This will be the best birthday ever......... I am blessed among the blessed and am now feeling like celebrating this Happy day..... I wouldn't turn back the clock for anything in the world.... Life is sweet.... I am a Mom.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

For the Mothers who are waiting to hold their babies in their arms... take heart, stay the coarse... trust Jesus, He knows who and where your precious children are, He is watching over them and He will lead you to them. Let Him be your comfort, strength and refuge....

He is faithful.

God's Speed