For this child I prayed...

It is 3:16 AM, my little Pearl is peacefully sleeping on me as I sit here at the computer.  She sleeps... Honestly the days and nights are a blur... not even sure what day it is. lol  I think it was last night that she slept in her bed for a few hours.  We both fell asleep in the recliner this evening for a couple of hours and then she fell asleep in my arms again around midnight, so sleep is coming... I tried to lay her down in her bed since she is sleeping soundly, yet when I go to place her into it she clings to my neck for dear life and her little legs that were previously hanging relaxed and limp, desperately start to climb up me as if she would climb right into my chest for safety and security if there were a way.  After her crying herself to sleep last night in her little bed as I lie about 6 feet from her with Peep in her twin bed I just didn't have the heart to allow her to do it again and my Jeremy needs rest desperately as well. It killed me to not pick her up and comfort her last night (after 2 in the morning) but she had climbed into her bed on her own, and just started sobbing... I was praying for what God would have me do and I felt to remove her from the bed where she had voluntarily gone would be a step backward..... so we endured it together, her daddy, myself and our Isabella.
I am certain I will be rambling....as I often do.  I go to share something and then delete it as it feels like it is just too much to share, leaving my children too vulnerable.  Yet, there is a part of me that does want to share because I know that in doing so, there could one day be another Mama going through something with her child and feeling so alone, so overwhelmed, so frightened for them and feeling so isolated that in sharing they could be encouraged.... this is often how I felt when my Nicholas was younger... we battled his demons from the past for over 4 years.  There were times when my little guy would go into a  rage for hours, completely out of control and after wards would often have very little memory of it.  There were times when I would find myself crippled with fear at the thought of, if I can't control my son when he is 5 how will I be able to control him (ie keep him safe) when he becomes a teenager and could really be in harm's way.  Some of our children who have been institutionalized as babies and children go to a place that is so dark, so despairing that it feels like we cannot reach them when they are there... as a parent you find yourself at times feeling overwhelmed at the inability to help your child, to heal your child, to reassure your child, to reach your child...  But through the grace of God, by His Spirit, you press on.... and you break through... and they come back to you...  your heart soars with relief.... with victory.... with hope... with gratitude and then it breaks again the next time they go to that dark place, in a rage, where you cannot reach them all over again... whether it is 15 minutes later or 3 days later.
When Isabella and I were together in China, I think it was the second or third day that she first went to that place with me and my heart grieved for my daughter, and I confess it grieved for my son Nick and my other daughter Hannah and my husband Jeremy and myself too.... It broke for my Isabella because I couldn't bare the thought of the pain, the fear, the desperation, the brokenness she felt.  The first day we were together was very difficult because she was grieving so deeply and she was so frightened but I knew we would get through that and past that together..... but when she went into the first rage I was honestly surprised and distraught... all of the emotions of years of dealing with this with my Meeshka came flooding back and then the emotions of it for Isabella and then thinking we would have at least 3 years of it coming up with her and how would my sensitive, gentle little Hannah deal with it who after what happened to her Daddy she just starts whimpering and silent tears start falling down her cheeks when she sees someone cry.... if it happens to be her mama, whether they be tears of joy or sorrow she just pleads with  me, "Mama, please don't cry... I don't like it when you cry."
We so want to protect our children.... to guard them from harm, from fear, from heartache... but he cold, hard truth is that we live in a fallen world and sometimes they are harmed, fear often tries to stalk us and there are many heartaches in life... but the wonderful, glorious, victorious truth is that Jesus is with us each step of the way, He is our strength, our hope, our healer, our comforter, our deliverer...
So, although my little Pearl clings to me when she is upset and I must hold her standing up to give her any comfort at all because in her little mind that is the only way I will not be able to abandon her.... if I am holding her standing up, then she must go where ever I go.... although when I tell her no to something, or something as simple as our dog lying down next to me in the chair, the tital wave of   frustration and fear that assaults her leads to such anger and despair that she screams and kicks and sobs uncontrollably for sometimes hours, pushing against my chest with all her might for me to let go of her and then as I lie her down the wail of pain and anguish that pours out of her as she once again feels abandoned even though my hand has never left her, trying to communicate that I am here, I am with her.... then I immediately pick her up and she clings to me for dear life, with arms wrapped around my neck so tightly it feels like I a choking until a few minutes later the pushing me away and kicking, the bucking starts all over again.... all the while the sobbing never ends and anything you say to her, any song you sing to her sounds as if they are causing her physical pain... although this is part of our reality right now... part of her reality right now.... we will thank God and praise Him for the miracle of our precious little child.... we will thank Him and praise Him for her courage and her heart... for her sweetness... for each smile that lights up your whole world, for each giggle that comes deep from within, for each kiss, and for each step she takes closer to each of her family as she so earnestly yearns to trust us and to rest in us.... knowing that one day she will know Jesus and she will be able to rest in Him.... reminding myself to do the same thing.... rest in Him.... for we are right in the middle of His will for our lives.... Isabella is right where the Lord wants her to be and it is good!  He will heal her broken places... He will cast out the darkness that tries to engulf her and snuff out the light in her eyes and her soul!  He will give her Daddy and I the wisdom, discernment and strength to help her through this and He will protect and help her older brother as this stirs up memories for him and He will protect and comfort her older sister as her gentle, loving little 5 year old's heart tries to understand when she reaches out in love and is  pushed away at times, or she must hear the screams and sobbing of her baby sister and she covers her ears and tears fall down her cheeks... My Lord... My God will prevail!!!  He will give my little Pearl beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning....Isaiah 61:3 He will restore the years the locusts have eaten... Joel 2:25
Perfect love casts out all fear....1John 4:18  so I will cling to my Jesus and try to teach my children to do the same thing.  For He is the only true source of perfect love... God is perfect love and it is when we walk with Him in the Spirit that fear is powerless over us.  So I am choosing to say, "In Jesus Name, Get behind me satan! Matt 16:23 You will not have victory over one of my children or over our family!  I may stumble and fall from time to time... I may allow myself to be swept away by fear for a moment or two but nothing can separate me from the Love of God... Romans 8:38-39 He is with me, He is with my husband, and He is with my children and He will not let us go!!!  We serve the Victorious Lion of Judah, Revalation 5:5  the battle belongs to the Lord 2 Chronicles 20:15 and the battle has already been won!  I will choose to walk in His victory... and when one of my precious, beloved children is too tired or frightened, or broken to do so, I will lift them up, hold them in my arms and together we will walk in the victory of Jesus Christ!
You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, for he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

Forgive me Lord for not keeping my mind stayed on You.... for stepping out of the boat when You called out to me and as I walked towards You, Matt. 14:25-33 I took my eyes off of You Lord and focused them upon the storm raging around me, around my family, around my little Pearl.... but You oh, Lord command the wind and the sea, You alone speak calm to the storms.... help me to keep my eyes fixed upon You Hebrews 12:1-2 as we carry this precious little daughter You have entrusted to us through this storm, however long it rages.  Help us to be Your vessel, that she may see You, that she may feel You, that she may come to know You through us... and we pray that You repair those broken walls Lord Jesus. Isaiah 58:11-12 The walls that have been torn down, the walls that have been crushed... My little Pearl is going to be ok... God's got her...

and to God be the glory!

It is now 5:08 AM... Isabella let me lie her in her bed more than an hour ago with out waking up... she sleeps... Thank You Jesus...


(I also would like to give a disclaimer regarding her apparel. lol  some days she will not allow me to dress her, or it takes hours to convince her to put on a pair of pants over her diaper.  (for those of you who may be saying, she's two.  You make her get dressed... I do not deem it worth it to physically force her to allow me to put clothes on her only to have her rip them off as soon as I let go of her.  It would only cause more trauma)  Having said that... when she will let me put something on her or she dresses herself (which I think is sad that at 2 years old she puts on and takes off clothes including buttons!) she becomes attached to certain tops or pants or shoes or jackets or hat and will only wear and keep on what she chooses.  I am hoping this will pass and she will trust me in the future with some of the choices of her outfits. lol)